Salvation?

Oh how I would kill to have something other than reading boring articles of Standard Operating Procedures all day. I am reading page after page of repetitive information that could fit onto maybe 2 pages instead of a whole novel. I don't think I've ever read this slow before, this is due to the fact that I have to read every sentence three times in order to process what I am reading.

I'm a Field Technician newly hired, so I completely understand I have to go through trainings and know the different Regulations that govern the Environmental Consulting Field. However I can't actually go into the field until I've had hands on in person training that apparently no one is offering until late September. I am floating along until I can actually contribute to this firm that I am employed at.

Everyone is telling me to relax and that I need to work on the fact that I hate to be in one space for a long time, especially if I feel useless because I'm not really doing anything. I am an a hands on learner, an active person, who when made to stay in a certain situation becomes a little stir-crazy. I'm trying to work on it. I am trying to be more active in other aspects of my life. I have recently started kickboxing classes. Well actually one class so far. I went last week and I though I would die with how lousy I felt during the class. As it turns out, I felt amazing afterward. I felt fulfilled and accomplished.

I have been saying I will get back in shape for years now and I haven't really put forth the effort. I still am struggling at that seeing as how instead of working out yesterday I went to the store and got all of my favorite snack foods, and killed my insides all last night. I intend to go to a kickboxing class tonight, but I also brought so of those unhealthy Pizza Rolls with me to work so I hope I can resist them and follow through on my plan.

I hate how I look and feel. When I see others make accomplishments like go to grad-school, get a great job, get engaged or lose some weight I am green with envy. I don't have any of those accomplishments under my belt, but I also don't put forth the effort to get them either. I say I want to go to grad school and yet I wait to late to apply for them. I say I want to lose weight and yet I go and get 2 pints of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and don't even counteract that with any exercise.

I have a problem. I am trying to break my poor habits, but don't seem willing to dedicate the time to breaking them. I try for a day, feel the strain of it, whether its sore muscles an empty stomach, lack of sleep, etc, and then I just revert back to my old ways.

I want to break the trend. I want to go to the gym two days in a row and really kill it. I want to really pursue a graduate degree, including researching programs, advisors, writing and re-writing my Statement of Purpose, Research topics enough to come up with an idea for a Research topic, etc. I want to stop watching tv and go out with my friends or family (without drinking or unhealthy eating). I want to be who I was in high school. Driven, determined, active, social, and most importantly, I wasn't bored or disappointed with my life because I made something of it.

I believe I have it in me again to make that happen.

I should create a program for myself that counteracts all of my terrible habits. This is so that I see it as mandatory isn't of a suggestion.

I'm on a mission to make this work!