This fall I will...

I intend to challenge myself. I am determined to relieve the pain in my back by doing what my Physical Therapist said to do, exercises to strengthen my upper back without over-straining my lower back. I am tired of not being able to sleep, drive, run, etc without a good amount of pain being involved preventing me from doing those activities, in moderation.

Currently my back is extremely sore, this is due to the exercises I've been given to do and am taking seriously. I really want things to change and I actually feel inspired enough to try. To exercise more (in moderation for my back), to work harder toward my future and fight for myself and people I care about. I want to be able to do the things that made me happy again and not feel obligated or pain from doing it. I want it to equally make me happy as it is good for me.

I feel so revitalized for some reason. Maybe its hope. Hope that I will feel and look relatively how I used to. I mean I could fly when I was running or feel beautiful in my own skin but that has faded into the background of my current situation of being an overweight 23 year old who hates wearing tank tops because her arms are huge, in a bad way, and who can't even run a mile without feeling pain or get it under 12 minutes when I used to be able to run 7 minute miles.

I have a long way to go and hopefully this feeling of determination will last me the time it takes to get into a routine and also to get back into shape enough where its not so challenging that I want to quit within 10 minutes.

Wish me luck, because lord knows I need it. Ha

GOT is a Great Motivator

Now I am a huge Game of Thrones fan. Last night was the Season Finale and I am now wanting to see Season 8, but that won't be until late next year or even in 2019. In that time, I am hoping to accomplish certain things that I have been wanting to for a while.

This includes but is not limited to:

Go to Iceland or Norway
Get into grad school
Get a Geologist job
LOSE WEIGHT (a significant amount)
Run a marathon
Get my own place
Possibly leave Syracuse (lowest on the list)

So I figure I would use this past years release date as a evaluation date and call the possibility of 2019 (January 1, 2019) the date when I should at least be in the process of accomplishing all of my hopes and dreams.

The main thing is to lose weight and find a more permanent and relevant job. I have become more realistic with how to lose weight. It doesn't happen just like that. It takes time, years for real success. I have a lot to lose to feel comfortable in my body again and to be healthy again. I am 20 lbs over what the normal body weight cutoff is before its considered overweight for a person my height and age. I would definitely like to get down to 135-145 lbs but that is a long ways away. I would be happy just to get my 20 lbs out of the way. I would also be happy to get back in real shape. Being able to run again. Like in high school when I was playing 3 sports and feeling amazing. I guess it didn't help that I didn't eat very healthy so with all of my exercise and sports I had muscle tone but I still had the fat that went with eating terribly.

I am hoping to take things a day at a time. This also goes for becoming more eligible/ competitive to get into a good grad program. I have been dying to go back to school. I love the environment of it all. I also would love to do research and be a TA. I however still need to present myself as dedicated, educated and experienced in the program I choose. All the more reason I want a real job.

Iceland has been a dream of mine for a while, along with New Zealand, Japan, Antarctica and Norway. For a person who hates the cold because she can get cold so easily I find these places the most beautiful. Plus I would really like to capture the beauty of it all. You know expand my ability with a camera and capture beautiful landscapes, do a lot of hiking and learning very hard languages.

I would love to go to Iceland this year (especially if that's where GOT is being filmed a little, other than Ireland). I wouldn't even mind going back to Ireland since I did love it so much the first time. I just have such a travel bug. The bad thing is, is that I would like to go alone or with someone I know can keep up with me, has my crazy interest in exploring the infinite wilderness, and that can afford it and not bitch about the expense, but enjoy every moment.

That may be a 2019 accomplishment, but if I get the ball rolling in 2018 I'll be a happy clam.

Finding my own place is yet another expense that I am willing to forgo after recently buying my first real car, at the same time paying off student debt and other bills. I really enjoy having my own space and then my mom house as being separate. That way I won't feel trapped. This will come however after I've been at this job long enough, find a different, more permanent job or I just get too stir crazy.

Also, having my own place means I could eventually get my own dog. This is a maybe down the road since I won't know my hours or work schedule yet and I can't raise a puppy if I'm not there. However if I get one that's already crate trained, that's a tad bit easier.  Even living in the same neighborhood as my mom and sister wouldn't be awful, that's if I stay in Syracuse, but its a big enough neighborhood that it wouldn't be annoyingly close and I could visit and vice versa if we wanted (and possibly watch my apartment or dog if I ever got one). I also mentioned that I might leave Syracuse, I have been in Syracuse all my life and I would love a change, especially if more opportunities are elsewhere, even if its in New York State still. I would love a change of scenery and new challenges.

And last on the list is running a marathon. I am signed up to run a 1/2 marathon this coming November. I was going to start training for it this week in fact and I am crazy intimidated. I however would like to draw inspiration from it and want to do more which include running a full marathon and maybe do a Spartan Run or Tough Mudder. I used to love to run. This inspires me to lose weight but to also get in shape, be more productive with my time and also give back/volunteer my time to a good cause.

I bet a lot of people find inspiration from GOT, probably mostly artistically, which it also awakens my interest in writing again, which I wouldn't mind doing again, but it also inspires me to be a badass in my life just as much as everyone in this series, they also overcome so much, it also gives me something to focus on instead of thinking about what is going to happen next.  I know I'm completely crazy, but if it works, I'll most certainly be happy.

The Beauty of Romance

The Beauty of Romance that has everyone so transfixed is the possibility of having an equally transfixing experience as someone who has met their completion. Someone who completes the other. I find that usually it happens that one person finds another where they can completely be themselves. To laugh, cry, share their experiences, bitch about what irritates them and still want to talk with them, and be with them for no matter how long.

I recently saw a man describe his long time girlfriend who he had just moved in with, with such love and candor. He said that his friend and just moved out (a man he had lived with for ten years) and that his best friend was moving in. I melted when he recalled a conversation he had had with her and he called her darling, it was just a simple comment and you could tell that he truly loved her. That he saw her for her and that he loved everything about her and those things that he didn't like he could easily live with.

That is why people invest in Rom-Com genre movies, or buy the same type of books, join dating sites, and even start talking to someone they have a crush on. Because of the possibility that they will find this beautiful version of happiness.

My Mission...

I looked into my immediate future (about a month ahead) and found one event that could make me motivated for more. My father is getting hip surgery at the end of the month, September 26th. I have vowed to him already that I would help him get back in shape, walking and moving around. I feeling like I would be such a hypocrite if I didn't work on getting in shape and feeling better. So I have set a date for what to aim for. The date in which I feel comfortable enough to say I am the person I want to be or that I am on the way to being her. September 26th is my mark, which is 5-weeks away. So its time to get to work.

Salvation?

Oh how I would kill to have something other than reading boring articles of Standard Operating Procedures all day. I am reading page after page of repetitive information that could fit onto maybe 2 pages instead of a whole novel. I don't think I've ever read this slow before, this is due to the fact that I have to read every sentence three times in order to process what I am reading.

I'm a Field Technician newly hired, so I completely understand I have to go through trainings and know the different Regulations that govern the Environmental Consulting Field. However I can't actually go into the field until I've had hands on in person training that apparently no one is offering until late September. I am floating along until I can actually contribute to this firm that I am employed at.

Everyone is telling me to relax and that I need to work on the fact that I hate to be in one space for a long time, especially if I feel useless because I'm not really doing anything. I am an a hands on learner, an active person, who when made to stay in a certain situation becomes a little stir-crazy. I'm trying to work on it. I am trying to be more active in other aspects of my life. I have recently started kickboxing classes. Well actually one class so far. I went last week and I though I would die with how lousy I felt during the class. As it turns out, I felt amazing afterward. I felt fulfilled and accomplished.

I have been saying I will get back in shape for years now and I haven't really put forth the effort. I still am struggling at that seeing as how instead of working out yesterday I went to the store and got all of my favorite snack foods, and killed my insides all last night. I intend to go to a kickboxing class tonight, but I also brought so of those unhealthy Pizza Rolls with me to work so I hope I can resist them and follow through on my plan.

I hate how I look and feel. When I see others make accomplishments like go to grad-school, get a great job, get engaged or lose some weight I am green with envy. I don't have any of those accomplishments under my belt, but I also don't put forth the effort to get them either. I say I want to go to grad school and yet I wait to late to apply for them. I say I want to lose weight and yet I go and get 2 pints of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and don't even counteract that with any exercise.

I have a problem. I am trying to break my poor habits, but don't seem willing to dedicate the time to breaking them. I try for a day, feel the strain of it, whether its sore muscles an empty stomach, lack of sleep, etc, and then I just revert back to my old ways.

I want to break the trend. I want to go to the gym two days in a row and really kill it. I want to really pursue a graduate degree, including researching programs, advisors, writing and re-writing my Statement of Purpose, Research topics enough to come up with an idea for a Research topic, etc. I want to stop watching tv and go out with my friends or family (without drinking or unhealthy eating). I want to be who I was in high school. Driven, determined, active, social, and most importantly, I wasn't bored or disappointed with my life because I made something of it.

I believe I have it in me again to make that happen.

I should create a program for myself that counteracts all of my terrible habits. This is so that I see it as mandatory isn't of a suggestion.

I'm on a mission to make this work!

How reliable is Richard Wright as the narrator of his own story?

Richard depicted events in his life in a way that engaged the reader.  Along with sharing his life events, he evaluated his life events as well and how they affected him. 

Outside Reading: Journal #5

Frankenstein is still sick, and receives a letter from Elizabeth trying to brighten his spirits.  In soing so, Victor responed in telling Elizabeth of his improved health and not to worry.  Victor admits that Henry has rejuvenated Victor's health greatly by getting him outside and traveling aroung while giving him company and encouraging him.  Things are looking up for Frankenstein.
I didn't really like the letters in this chapter because they seemed like they were thrown in there.  The author's idea to add the letters as the way of describing what is going on is a little annoying because when I think of a letter, especially from one that appears out of the blue, there should be something big happening like a disaster.  I do like the fact that the author gave the main character time to bring some happiness into his life.  A change of pace is good because otherwise it's boring you when expect Victor to be miserable.  "But Clerval called forth the better feelings of my heart" is what Victor says of his friend Clerval who has been taking care of him.  It is nice to see the strength of Henry's role in this story.  After being sick for so long and Clerval took care of him, when Clerval worked with Victor, Victor said "My own spirits were high and I bounded along with feelings of unbridled joy and hilarity."  When someone cares about you so much, they can really change your life I guess.
I feel like with all these happy feelings, Victor is going to be knocked back into a miserable state again soon and not just him, but Elizabeth and others as well.  The monster, I feel will come back and in a big way too.  The monster just disappeared without a trace so I can see the monster making a re-entrance in a big way.  All in all though, the book is growing on me and I can't wait to continue reading.

?'s
What was your take on how Elizabeth and Victor communicated?
Why do you feel Henry's presence in Victor's life has changed his looks on life so drastically?
What do you see happening next?